


wouldn't know where to start

by i_dealized



Category: NCIS
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2019-10-31 03:25:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 14,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17841536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_dealized/pseuds/i_dealized
Summary: (Ellie, Nick, and learning that timing is everything.)It’s the first time she sees him in years, and she’s levelling a gun at his chest, hoping she doesn’t have to pull the trigger.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [the key to an open door](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16283042) by [helsinkibaby](https://archiveofourown.org/users/helsinkibaby/pseuds/helsinkibaby). 



This is not how they start, but it’s how they end.

It’s been months of happiness tinged with something else. Secrecy, maybe. They’re rising in their careers, not necessarily getting promoted, but recognized for their abilities. Nick’s heading for deep cover, because he’s good at it. He’s adept at taking on new personas.

Ellie herself has been badgered into considering an NSA deployment in the middle east. Afghanistan, specifically. She’s fluent in Pashto (and a handful of other languages), and they need someone like her.

It’s a very good place to be as an NSA analyst, especially now that she’s being recognized for the work she puts in. But it’s not a very good place to be as a newlywed. Not when both of their jobs require a level of secrecy and security clearance that’s going to mean a lot of secrets for them.

It eats at her that night, and Nick notices, but doesn’t pry, not until the next afternoon when they both have the weekend off, and something doesn’t feel quite right. She can’t tell him about the report she just made, and he can’t tell her about the undercover work he’ll be doing in two weeks.

They’re sitting on the couch, and she notices the way they both hesitate to speak. It strikes her then, that if this is going to be their future, hidden words and furtive looks and silences where there shouldn’t be any - it’s not what she wants.

But she tries, anyway, because if there’s one thing she knows, it’s that she loves Nick. Their relationship had formed hard and fast, something real in a cluster of shallow friendships Ellie had been clinging to.

Nick is bright and alive and real, not afraid to pull her out of her shell in public. She’d fallen in love with his confidence, and then the much gentler side she’d seen around his niece, his sister, in the weekly (hour long) chats with his mom.

But it’s not enough. They don’t fall apart, but when she gets home from her first stint in Afghanistan and it’s the night before Nick has to leave for an undercover op (nearly the length of her leave) it’s too much.

She doesn’t fight with him then, instead soaks him in. The way he hugs, all encompassing and warm, so warm it makes her toes curl. The way he looks at her over something as simple as _dishes_ , flicking her with water because he can. They end up soaked, water everywhere, but she’d do it again just to hear his laugh.

Before he leaves in the morning, she commits the sight of him to her memory. It’s a weird two weeks, having the place to herself, catching up with a few friends.

When Nick gets back, he looks almost surprised to find her on the couch. Her bags are packed (she leaves in _two days_ ) and his eyes flash to them.

She voices it, then and there, because Ellie Bishop is not afraid to speak the truth. Nick, evidently, has been thinking similar things. That night, they talk and they talk and they talk, spinning in endless circles about what could be.

He kisses her, hard and desperate, and they spend time in an enclosed little bubble in the comfort of their apartment.

On Monday morning, they file for divorce.

***

A month and a half later, she comes home again.

Nick still greets her warmly, helps her with her bag at the airport. She has a place lined up to live, and it’s an easy pattern they fall into for the day. They talk around everything important, boxing up this and that and carrying it all down to her trusty truck.

At some point, she can’t help herself. She surges into him unexpectedly, forehead fitting into the groove of his shoulder. He wraps his arms around her with the same strength, brushing a hand over her cheek. 

The kiss that happens is urgent yet short, both of them pulling back to get space. To put up some measure between them. “I love you,” he says, quietly, kissing her forehead once. She replies back in kind, and then, with a shaking hand, hands him her key.

As hard as this is, they can’t live a lifetime of secrets together. Not when their careers are making a damn good job of making sure they’re not really going to _be_ together most of the time. There’s no marriage found in two halves of a couple on opposite sides of the world, keeping a tableau of secrets and hoping to come back to one another.

“See you around, Nick,” she says. It’s a dull ache that follows her outside of his apartment, even though she knows they’re right to do this. But not having him around is going to be like a limb of hers is missing, and it’s going to take getting used to.

“See you, Ell,” he says, smile a little hopeful, a lot somber.

She doesn’t cry until she’s in her new apartment.

***

The changes that occur next happen like falling asleep -- slowly, and then all at once. She gets used to life on her own, makes new friends at the NSA, meets Jake. He’s sweet and kind and he makes her happy.

Then NCIS comes knocking on her door, and before she knows it, she’s reporting to the Navy Yard every morning. Life gets even weirder when she starts working for NCIS, when Jake cheats and she’s left reevaluating her life (again).

Years pass. She settles into her new normal. And then, one strange morning after weeks of travelling abroad, she’s pointing a gun at her ex-husband’s chest, desperately hoping she doesn’t have to pull the trigger.

“Ell?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the beginning (of the season 14 re-write)

The beginning of Ellie’s day was ordinary. She was finally back at NCIS, but the case they’d caught had sent her into a tailspin, a mess of whirring thoughts. Her ex-in laws, people she hasn’t seen in years but she still cares. Seeing Amanda (so grown up) had been a shock to the system. But nothing prepared her for seeing Nick’s picture up on the screen in their bullpen, or having to explain to a shocked McGee that she’d been married, once. 

She had shot down any notion of him being dirty. It’s been years, but one of the fundamental things that had drawn her to Nick was his loyalty. She and Gibbs had left to pick up him, and now, here they are. 

“Hey, Nick,” she says, and despite the gravity of it all - there’s a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. 

***

The ride back to the Navy Yard is awkward, to say the least. Ellie’s sitting shotgun, Gibbs is driving silently, her ex-husband riding in the back seat. 

When they enter the office, she heads back to her desk, watching as Nick is whisked away to Vance’s office, no doubt about to be reamed. Ellie makes herself focus, but she’s keenly aware of Quinn eyeing her every so often, McGee too. 

She doesn’t dare go to the lab. Abby’s sweet, protective, but any questions she might ask will push buttons and Ellie doesn’t want to snap at her. So she stays, digging up anything she can find on the Silvas, even after Nick goes to meet Silva and McGee leaves for the night. 

***

In the morning, Nick sits on a bomb. He gets pulled to Vance’s office (again). Ellie only interrupts when they find a lead about the Silva’s target: the Latino festival taking over part of the town. On patrol, she’s too busy looking for Justice Fernandez to be thinking about Nick. 

When he comments about the corn, she rolls her eyes. But the moment passes, and chaos takes over. Gibbs rescues Justice Fernandez, Ellie and McGee direct the crowd away from any possible bomb, and Nick chases down Silva. 

They put him away for good, and in the case wrap up, Ellie doesn’t have a chance to talk to Nick. She waits. 

Gibbs leaves shortly after everything is wrapped up, but not before putting Nick’s badge in the empty top drawer of McGee’s old desk.

She’s not surprised when McGee wanders back to his desk., still here despite Gibbs leaving. He mentions how strange his desk still feels. She gets up from her seat, looking at the desk and thinking of Tony (but only for a second). “If anyone’s gonna sit at that desk, he’d want it to be you.” 

“Thanks.” 

“Anytime, Senior Field Agent McGee.” She bumps her shoulder with his. 

“It does have a nice ring to it.” He looks over at her, and his gaze turns serious after a moment. “You okay after today?” 

She shrugs a shoulder. She hasn’t fully processed all of today, or yesterday. But she’s okay as of right now., and touched that he’s checking up on her. “I’m fine,” she promises as earnestly as she can. “Thanks, Tim.”

They’re interrupted by Nick striding back into the bullpen. Lucia’s awake,, and he’s staying in town. “If you need anything, we’re here,” Ellie says, glad when McGee backs her by nodding. When Nick asks about Gibbs, Ellie only hesitates a little before answering. “He left something for you.” 

Nick finds his badge and holds it up. In that moment, Ellie sees a bit of the real Nick come out. The Nick that could benefit from being on Gibbs’ team. The family that comes from it. 

“You can’t be on Gibbs’ team without it,” McGee says, bringing Ellie back into the conversation.

“I’ve never been on a team before.” Nick’s eyes meet hers. 

She doesn’t miss a beat. “First time for everything.” 

“I’m not sure I’m the right fit.” 

She can’t blame him for that, not when she had similar thoughts. She looks to McGee. “Only one way to find out,” he adds. Nick glances between them, then back at his badge.

He grins. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick adjusts to living in D.C. (again).

He has yet to be assigned temporary living quarters, so he shows up at Gibbs house again, late, as Quinn is leaving. 

Tomorrow, he’ll go get Amanda, and he’ll stay there for a bit. But for now, he stays in Gibbs’ spare room, having picked up essentials until he can get to his stuff in storage. 

He doesn’t pace although he wants to. Instead, Nick forces himself to sit on the bed, badge in hand. He turns it over absentmindedly. Is he really going to do this? Leave undercover? 

It sounds strange, even to him. Undercover is easy for him, always has been. Eight years of undercover work have sharpened his senses, sharpened his fighting. But his words in Director Vance’s office echo in his ears. “Eight years of service, and what has it gotten me? Huh? A broken family, a lifetime of lies, 16 different names, 16 different home addresses, no wife, no kids -- I don't even know what I want anymore.” 

Wife. Huh. He thinks wryly of Ellie, of the genuine surprise that had filled him when he’d looked closer at the blonde aiming her gun at him. It’s a sight he’d never thought he’d see. 

He hadn’t been able to give it - her - much thought since she and Gibbs picked him up. But now, though, with Quinn long gone and the FBI agent passed out on the couch, he has plenty of time. 

Now, he lets himself think of her as he knew her. Bright. Smart. Dedicated to her job. Willing to go toe-to-toe with him in the confines of their apartment. But not the confident NCIS agent he’s seen in action the last two days. 

Looking at her, watching her, gives him the strangest sensation. She’s somehow familiar and something new entirely, a puzzle he can’t figure out. 

But he has time. 

***

After a day of paperwork -- there is a long, long list of things to do when coming out from undercover work -- he heads to the hospital. He’s taking Amanda home tonight, wants to help her get settled and back into “some kind of normalcy,” as her doctor suggests. (Nick wanted to laugh. Who is he to know about  _ normalcy?)  _

He sticks around with Lucia for a while, though. This is his older sister, the one who fought for him and loved him and cared enough to come looking for him (and paid a steep price for it). 

The least he can do is keep her company. “So where are you working now, Uncle Nick?” Amanda asks. 

“Still with NCIS,” he answers. “I’m ah, I’m actually going to work with Ellie. Her boss asked me to join the team.” 

Lucia laughs, the most like herself Nick has seen thus far. “No kidding?” At Nick’s shake of his head, Lucia grins again. “Well this I’d pay to see.” She pauses, grin softening. .”Working with Ellie? I bet she’ll be good for you.” 

He doesn’t know how to process that, but Lucia gives him an out. “All joking aside, I’m glad you’re here, Nick.” 

“Wouldn’t be anywhere else.” 

***

The Friday before his (and Quinn’s) first official day, Nick can’t keep help but drop by the Navy Yard. He has stuff for his desk, and there’s been an itch under his skin since Lucia was cleared and released from the hospital.  

It’s been two weeks since his undercover work ended. Normally, he’d be gearing up for a new identity, erasing himself until Nick Torres was just a name buried somewhere deep within himself. He’s floundering, has been for a few days, because the only identity he’s had to assume is himself. 

So, in a moment of down time, he goes in to the office. McGee and Ellie are puzzled by his arrival, but he holds up his box of stuff. Of course they catch a case, just as the weekend is starting (a high school reunion gone wrong, or something like that). 

Of course he’s told to come along. And of course he follows orders, for once. Coming in has done him a favor, has given him something to do besides deal with himself. 

Throughout the investigation, he can feel everybody’s eyes on him. Quinn, too, but she’s not under the same scrutiny he is. The team is subtle, he’ll give them that. But he has eight years of undercover work - always looking over his shoulder, always on edge - under his belt. Nick notices. 

He notices the way Gibbs observes but says nothing, the surprise coming off the man when Nick offers the woman they’re interrogating a candy bar. He notices the way Abby, the happy goth turned forensic scientist, watches him and Ellie like she’s watching a ping pong patch. He notices McGee and his guarded eyes, a protectiveness rolling off him like waves. 

Most of all, though, he notices Ellie. She’s always been this bright, bubbly, extremely intelligent person to him, but he sees the way she fits in. Take her out, and the team is still operable, but not the same. They don’t just need her, they want her, and it warms him to realize she’s found the niche she’s been craving for years.

***

Things do, in fact, settle in to some kind of normalcy. Emphasis on some kind. The hours are never the same week to week, and he once gets three days off because they’d pulled a few all nighters, in a row. He doesn’t know what to do with his time, so he gets into running. 

He drinks coffee, a lot of it, and still doesn’t wear his NCIS jacket or baseball cap. But he’s getting the hang of this team thing (maybe). He still jumps at chances to be in the field, to be in the action, but he doesn’t think too much of that yet.

It’s only been a month, after all. 

Some nights, they go out for a drink after work (sans Gibbs). And while the job’s not exactly easy, the companionship that he falls into is. He gets used to calling Ellie by her last name, and they fall into this rhythm of light teasing that suits him just fine. 

And then Clayton Reeves shows up, and he calls her “Ellie” all the time. Something about him puts Nick on edge, and it takes him an embarrassingly long time to realize that it’s jealousy burning in his veins.  

***

Like always, time marches on. Nick’s apartment is fine, but it’s not quite  _ home.  _ When Dinozzo Sr. offers him the apartment, he takes it, but he changes his mind when he sees the place. It’s enough space for a family, not a guy like him. 

He gives it to McGee. 

When he gets to his own apartment, he finds himself looking at one of the photos he’s never had the chance to put away. Him and Ellie at his sister’s house, laughing at something or another. When he decides to get more  _ stuff _ , to make this place a home again, it’s one of the things that stays on his dresser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't stop writing, but oh well?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Bishop brothers wreak havoc on D.C.

Her brothers descend on D.C. and stir up chaos. They surprise her on a night when she’s coming home late, the kind of late her brother would have raised an eyebrow at back in high school.  

Ellie rolls her eyes. She’s not in her teens anymore, they can relax. But they needle her incessantly, until her phone rings and she’s never been more grateful for an interruption. She explains and takes her leave from her apartment.

In the hallway, she calls Nick, who’s already on his way to get her. He sounds displeased, but before he can get into the details, she cuts him off. “Pull up around the front,” she says.

“What?” She can hear him exhale sharply when he cuts a corner too tight, but she ignores it. His driving hasn’t changed at all.

“My brothers are here,” she says, already picturing Nick’s face blanching. “See you in ten?”

“Five!” He says before he hangs up, and she laughs. It’s the only thing she can do, with her three older brothers upstairs, sniffing for clues about her (love) life and her ex-husband on the way to pick her up.

When she gets in the car with him, she’s not surprised. He’s date material right now, top button of his shirt undone, enough cologne that she can smell it, even now. Nick eyes her dress, smirks a little. “Nice date?” He asks.

“Yeah,” she replies, quirking an eyebrow. “You?”  She receives a nod in return but not much else. It’s not like she minds -- there’s a lot for her to be thinking about, now with her brothers in town, knowing she’s dating someone else at NCIS.

He turns on music for the drive, and she thinks about the last time they were in a car together, with Victor Medina in the backseat. She’s tempted, almost, to break out into song, to needle him like she did then, and years ago.

But things have been different since that case. There’s a layer of walls that have been deconstructed, on both ends, and she sees a little clearer when it comes to him. They’ve been driving each other crazy since Nick started, always friendly but never… real. It was easier, then.  

Now, though, Ellie appreciates the glimpse she got behind the fortress that is Nick Torres. Now, they get to a be a little more serious, and get to acknowledge the familiarity - the history - between them.

She’s startled from her thoughts when the road goes from smooth paving to rough terrain. “You okay?” Nick asks, and when he looks over, she can see the open way that he’s looking at her. Eager, earnest, a little too much like the look he’d give her during the early days of their relationship.

“Yeah.” Ellie swallows around the sudden lump in her throat. “Just... I need to tell Gibbs that I broke one of his rules.” He makes a sympathetic noise, and she relaxes into her seat a little more, glad she’d confided in him about Qaasim.

(There was no way in hell she was getting that by him, not when the same smiles and looks she’s sharing with Qasim are similar to the ones she used to give him. They read each other well, and she’s honestly a little relieved to have told someone.)

When they pull up to the crime scene, Quinn’s eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. “You two on a date?” She asks.

Of course Ellie says “no” when Nick says “yes.” The look Quinn gives them is priceless, but Nick intervenes before she can truly comment on it. “Not with her,” he says, not unkindly.

“We carpooled,” Ellie adds, and then Quinn fills them in. She keeps giving them these looks over the next few hours, and Ellie would roll her eyes, but she doesn’t care (as much) anymore. Quinn will think what she wants, but Ellie and Nick know the truth.

***

When her brothers show up at NCIS headquarters, Ellie wants to hit something. They haven’t pulled this nosy, protective big brother act since high school, and she’s been hoping it wouldn’t ever make an appearance again.

She tries to ignore them and gets to work, updating the rest of the team, sans Nick, on the case. Gibbs orders her to go to Gitmo, with Qaasim, and she’s both mildly relieved and mildly terrified. On one hand, she’ll be away from her brothers. On the other hand, her brothers will still be here, in D.C., wreaking havoc on her life.

She texts Nick on her way out, just a simple “good luck” and doesn’t look at her phone until she’s arrived.

***

Ellie texts him “good luck” and Nick isn’t terrified, per se, but he is concerned. All three of Ellie’s brothers in one place has always been unruly. There’s no doubt that Ellie’s absence will double their ability to stir up chaos.

He tries to avoid them for as long as possible, but by chance, the four of them end up in the break room alone. “Nick Torres,” George says, voice neither friendly, nor filled with ill will. It’s intimidatingly neutral.

“Yes?” Nick stands his ground.

There’s a long moment of silence, and then Robbie breaks into a grin. “Good to see you, man,” Robbie says, pulling him into a one armed hug. Nick steps back, a little relieved, and then realizes he’s been _played._ All three of the Bishop boys are closer than he’d like, and Nick waits for their intimidation tactics to start. 

“We want to ask you a few questions.” John says, and George tag on. “About your relationship with our sister.”

“My what now?” Nick asks, floored. “I - I appreciate the protective brother routine. I respect it, But you’re barking up the wrong tree here.” There’s a twist in his gut at that, but he closes that up somewhere, focuses on the (three) issues at hand.

“You’re not the coworker she’s been dating?”

Nick wants to laugh. He wants to laugh so hard, but that’s not an option. Federal agent he may be, but big brothers are still big brothers. They’ll never lose the power of intimidation, even if he can take them all down. “No, she’s smart enough to not date me again,” he says, a little self-deprecating but that’s him these days.

He decides to throw them a fake bone, throw them off the real thing. Maybe it’s partially to throw Reeves under the bus, or maybe it’s to protect Ellie’s secret. But he lowers his voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “My money’s on the guy from the international desk, Clayton Reeves,” he adds.

“Thanks, Nick,” John says. “We’re cool, yeah?”

“Yep.” Nick nods and then heads for Abby’s lab. He hears the tail end of a sentence, just “... taken us down with one hand” and he grins.

Same old Bishop boys, he thinks.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s McGee that calls him. “Nick -” He breaks off for a second, but Nick’s heart has already stopped, his stomach has already plummeted. Because McGee never calls him Nick, not unless there’s something terrible happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! I couldn't help it and had to post this chapter, too. Happy Friday!

It’s McGee that calls him.  “Nick -” He breaks off for a second, but Nick’s heart has already stopped, his stomach has already plummeted. Because McGee never calls him Nick, not unless there’s something terrible happening. “Nick, Ellie’s been involved in a shooting.”

“She’s fine, Ducky’s on his way,” McGee says, voice crackling over the line. “But Qasim.. He’s in surgery.”

Nick curses out loud, powerless because he can’t abandon what he and Quinn are doing. They hand up and go back to their jobs, but Nick is nearly vibrating with the effort of staying still. “It’s killing you, isn’t it?” Quinn asks him, minutes or hours later, voice quiet, serious. “It’s killing you not to be the one to wait with her.”

His mouth twists. Nobody should use the word "killing" right now. But Nick jerks his head in a nod anyway, holding back his tmper.  “I just - I need to see for myself that she’s okay,” he admits. “But that’s not my job right now.”

Speaking of his job, they see movement. It’s Jintao. Nick calls McGee, who mercifully has Gibbs there with him. “Gibbs, Jintao is here,” Quinn says.

“You say the word, and we’ll haul his ass in here,” Nick adds, fingers curling into a fist. But they’re told to wait, at least until they have more details. It feels like forever before he and Quinn are finally given the order, but nothing goes according to plan.

Jintao reveals nothing about Chen’s plan, and then kills himself before Nick or Quinn can stop him. Nick slams a hand against the SUV, raking a hand over his face. "Dammit!" 

***

He’s still angry as Quinn drives, not to HQ but to Ellie. It’s a brutal sight to see when the find the right waiting room, everything and everyone solemn. Ducky updates them quietly, and Nick’s heart sinks for a third time that night.

“Ellie’s saying her goodbyes,” Reeves adds, leaning against the wall. There’s nothing really to say, after that, not until Ellie slinks back into the waiting room. She breathes out a shaky “he’s gone,” eyes red-rimmed and refusing to meet any of theirs.

“Can you give me a ride home, Nick?” She asks, stubbornly keeping a hold of her emotions. “I - I don’t want to be here anymore.”

His eyes flash to the rest of the team, even as he agrees. “Yeah, sure.” He nods, once, in response to Gibbs’ raised eyebrow. Nick knows what the older man -- what the whole team is asking. But he’s got Ellie.

He places a hand on the small of her back, just the barest of touches as he heads toward the exit. She doesn’t pull away but leans back into the touch, just a little. She makes it all the way into the elevator before she starts shaking, wrapping her arms around herself in an attempt to keep it together.

It doesn’t work. He hears the first crack in her armor as the doors open, and he doesn’t hesitate when he pulls her out of the elevator. Right there, in the dark parking lot of the hospital, he takes Ellie into his arms and she falls apart.

***

He gets her home, takes up residence on her couch because Chen is still out there, somewhere. She spares him a quiet “thanks” before she retreats into her room. Nick leaves her be, but he stays the whole night, gun in hand.

Funny how he was exhausted hours ago, and now, he feels something thrumming in his veins. An energy he didn’t know he had, drawn from the need to defend and protect, the need to take away whatever it is that’s hurting Ellie.

It’s the first time he realizes he’d kill for her, easily - anything to keep her safe, anything to keep her alive.  


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Qasim, Ellie figures things out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes, this is a monster chapter. But it's finally done (and re-edited, and re-edited). Enjoy!

Adjusting back to work is an odd thing. It’s not like she saw Qasim enough at HQ that his absence will be glaring. But it’s still hard to imagine NCIS without him, to make herself look forward and not in the direction his desk used to be. 

The flowers on her desk are beautiful, and she knows for a fact that Nick had a hand in choosing them. They’re not the yellow tulips that are her favorite, but zinnias, a mixed bunch. It’s a pop of color, almost too bright to look at, but she still smiles.  Nick Torres can put on all the personas he wants, can act like the toughest, coolest guy around, but he knows his flowers. His niece Amanda is into the language of flowers, after all, something that started way back when. 

Ellie thanks the team, and mouths another one to Nick, after. He just dips his head and nods, a quiet acknowledgement that’s oddly fitting. 

She feels guilty, later, when he and Quinn spot her talking closely to Reeves. She’s not going to give up until she has Chen, but she’s determined not to bring anyone else down with them. 

***

Nick teaches them the “bump, grab, slip” one morning after pick pocketing comes up. She can’t really remember how they got here, but he’s having them try it, and hers ends up coffee all over her mark. But it’s been a few years for her. A little practice and she’ll be just as good as she was the first time he taught her. Alex gets his wallet, and she grins (something of a rare sight, these days) and then Reeves pops up, beckoning her aside. 

He fills her in on an update, while everyone else is thankfully distracted by Gibbs taking Nick’s stuff stealthily. She’s antsy all that morning, and rushes out on the case when Reeves texts her a 911, giving the team a bogus excuse. 

She’s not expecting Reeves to pull up in his lead’s RV. The courier doesn’t give them much, not until Reeves takes things to a different level. There’s a potential threat, somewhere, and she’s determined to get it. 

Reeves doesn’t want her to go with him to retrace the courier’s stops, but she pushes the issue. She’s not going back to NCIS until she gets Chen.

And then she ends up pulling a gun on her boss. 

His gun is drawn, and she’s completely, utterly busted. 

***

Of course Vance yells. It’s what she was expecting. 

When Vance leaves his office with Reeves in tow, she steels herself for what’s about to come with Gibbs. 

The ensuing words they exchange don’t make her feel any better, not when Gibbs implies he can’t trust her. But it’s Nick, with the hurt, angry look in his eyes, that makes her feel the worst. She feels worse than she did when the Benham Parsa ordeal came around, and that was a low point.Even McGee doubts her when she comes into the interrogation observation room. It’s not a good feeling, knowing her team is second guessing her. It eats at her, until she’s thinking in circles.

McGee’s brief makes her think clearly for the first time in hours. It has her running to Gibbs’ house. Yelling at him isn’t the best way to go, but it does reveal that he’s got a plan. (When she thinks about this later, she’s going to berate herself for not believing he does. It’s Gibbs, after all). 

Chen has the nerve to show up at Gibbs’ place. The taunting makes her blood boil, but she knows she can’t do anything. She follows Gibbs’ lead, until Chen reveals the thing they’ve been waiting for: he’s working with the CIA. 

This time, it’s not just her that’s angry. 

***

The hunt for Chen ends eventually. She doesn’t kill him, like she thought it would happen. He makes the choice to kills himself, and she’s left with the consequences of her actions. When she goes to Gibbs’ house, to his basement, she wonders if she’s going to see the same disappointment there from the time she lied about Parsa. 

But Ellie doesn’t see that. Doesn’t see much emotion in the flinty stare she receives. “I don’t blame you if you want me gone,” she says, even if it’s the last thing she wants. She screwed up, and she knows that. This team is one of the best things that has ever happened to her, but if Gibbs wants her gone, she’ll go. 

He doesn’t comment on that, though. When he looks at her, it’s nothing but honesty in his gaze. “Each time you go rogue, there’s a price to pay. And it’s not cheap.” It’s one of those times that Ellie hears the truth behind his words. He’s lived these words, she’s sure, like he’s lived all of the lessons he passes to them in rules.

“I understand.” 

“No,” he says, hard but not unkind. “But you will, soon.” 

She hands him the last note she wrote to Qasim, a yes not to a proposal but to moving in together, and tells him that she can’t stop staring at it. But she needs to.

***

Her first stop after that isn’t home. Not hers, anyway. 

Nick’s address - her old one - isn’t that far of a drive, and she has apologizing to do. She knows it was Nick that called her, knows that they probably pulled up surveillance footage and saw what she did. How she used what he taught the team (and her, a long time ago) to get the congresswoman’s phone. 

When she knocks on the door, there’s an instant answer.  Nick looks at her like he doesn’t know her, but he still lets her in with nothing more than a curt, “Bishop.” That, and the clench of his jaw give away his anger.

“Nick,” she says, but she doesn’t know where she’s going. “Look, I’m sorry.” 

“For what?” He doesn’t look at her, but stalks to his kitchen. He’s putting away dishes, carefully. Another sign of how wound up he is. “For using what I taught you on a congresswoman? For going rogue? For getting into something that could have killed you?”  

Ellie winces when he clanks bowls together, loudly. “Everything,” she says quietly. “But you get it, don’t you? Why I had to do it?” 

He finally looks at her, frowning, eyes as closed off as she’s ever seen. “I get it,” he admits. “I would have done the same thing, but I was hoping you’d never have to stoop to that level.” 

Why?” She questions, wondering what the hell it is she’s missing. She knows Nick has gone rogue, and Gibbs. She’s pretty sure even McGee has. What is the big deal if she knows to return to her place? 

But what Nick says next roots her in place. “Because it eats at you. Going rogue, and coming back from it, it’s never easy. Whether it’s a couple hours or months of operating outside the rules we’ve been given, it shakes you. Makes you wonder how much further you can push the lines, the rules if it does some kind of good. And if we could stop you from experiencing that, don’t you think we would?”

“I - “ She snaps her mouth shut. “Gibbs said you pay the price.” 

“It’s a different price for everybody,” Nick says. “I just didn’t want you to find out what it would be.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Chen, the world looks a little different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys! wanted to get this up before midterms fully start. see you next week with a new chapter!

In the weeks after Chen, Ellie learns the price she paid for her actions. No one seems to be looking at her any differently, but she feels different. Like she’s stepped back into a role she didn’t want to play. 

There’s something restless tugging at her, and she’s not sure what it is. It takes her a while, and a few talks to Ducky, to realize that she doesn’t have to apologize. She has to make amends. It’s quite a different thing, as she learns. 

So she goes to Gibbs, first. The words that come of her mouth are hard to swallow. “But I think I understand more,” she tells him, at the end of a small burst of words. “I’m not sorry I went after Chen, but I’m sorry for the way I did it. I should have trusted you.” 

And it’s true. There was something, some way that was better than what she did. She realizes she could have gone to Gibbs when they first got the lead, but she can’t change the past. She also believes she wouldn’t have done it, anyway - there’s a reason it’s called hindsight. 

She talks to McGee, to Quinn, to Reeves, Abby, too. She saves Nick for last. As she parks, she thinks of the last time she was here. The words he’d said stayed with her, long after she went home that night. 

Ellie hopes that he’ll answer, that she’s not interrupting anything. She rings the doorbell, trying not to crush the paper bag in her hands. Nick buzzes her up, and she lingers in his doorway. 

“Here,” she says, handing him the bag. “A peace offering.” 

Nick eyes the bag warily, but unrolls the top. His jaw doesn’t drop, not quite, but his eyes grow wide. “Mocha?” He asks, sniffing at the donuts... She nods, grin curling her lips. “Offering accepted.” 

He sets the donuts on the counter, gestured her to actually come in. “Want coffee?” 

“Oh, sure,” she says, toeing off her shoes. She takes a seat at the counter, not surprised in the least when Nick slides a mug of coffee under her nose, ust like she likes it. “You were right,” she says, declining one of the donuts. 

He takes a bit of one, and the silence encourages her to talk. “I don’t feel the same,” she admits. “I don’t know how, or if I should, but I don’t.”

“You’re not going to,” Nick says. “Going back to how things were… that’s not an option. So you move forward. It’s the only thing to do. And one day, you’ll feel a new normal.”

Ellie swallows past the lump in her throat. “Thanks, Nick.” 

She doesn’t linger for long, just enough to down her coffee and tell him to have a good day off. 

***

Things between her and Nick have shifted since that strange morning in his (their) apartment,  but not in a bad way. He’s strong and steady, something she needed in the first few days after Qasim, after Chen. But beyond that, he understands her in a way no one else does.. 

He’s always known when to push and when to pull back, when to leave her food and when to get her to go out to eat. He knows her habits now as well as he knew her habits back in their marriage. And she doesn’t dare to think about it too much, but he might know her better, now. 

Their relationship is an odd one. Professionally partners, personally exes. They make a pretty good team, despite his teasing and driving her crazy. She was expecting them to clash in the worst way. 

But that’s not what happened at all. 

To her surprise, they’ve slipped into something pretty easily, a working partnership like a well oiled machine. It feels, sometimes, like their beginning, the easy way they understood each other after a few dates. 

Except this time, it was bonding over cases and stories from years apart, not high school horror stories and being newbies at their respective job, that brought them together. 

So, when he’s captured in New Orleans, she wants to scream. 

***

Ellie waits at HQ for hours. 

The worst thoughts run through her mind, but she can’t help it. Qasim is fresh on her mind (and if she thinks too hard, she can still see his blood on her hands). The fear that snakes it’s way up her spine is paralyzing.

She’s just lost one man she loves. (and it’s loves, still, not loved, because it’s been a few months, and she still dreams of Qasim). She’s not about to lose another. And with Nick, it’s still “loves,” not “loved”. There is a part of Ellie Bishop that will always belong to Nick Torres. 

It’s a fact she hadn’t come to terms with easily. But now, she knows this:that every great love of your life changes you, and stays with you in some way. 

Ellie met Nick when she needed somebody exactly like him, and she’s never  _ not  _ going to care. He had a fundamental part in shaping her character, her life. It’s not something she could ever forget. 

And in the last few months, he’s turned into an actual partner. Someone she can rely on, both in the field and elsewhere. Someone who has her back and can read her like the words on a page. 

She doesn’t want to lose that, either. 

***

When she finally, finally gets the text that he’s safe, she goes home. But she takes the long way there, getting lost in the familiar streets of D.C. until her mind stops playing what ifs. It’s past midnight when she gets into her apartment. 

Nick’s not coming back until the morning, so she can’t go see him. She’s not sure she would anyway. Not  he can see right through any mask she tries to put up. 

But she does call. “Ell,” he says, tiredly, sending her back to the times he’d call this late at night when he’d be wrapping up a job, or working something too late at the office. 

“I’m glad you’re okay,” she says abruptly. “But don’t ever scare me again.” It feels like too much and not enough, bu also not the right moment to address any of it. 

“Yes, ma’am,” he answers, just shy of his normal self. Then, in a much softer voice, he adds, “Goodnight, Ell.”

“Night.” She hangs up and finally crawls into her bed. It’s not restless sleep she falls into, but deep, the kind where she’ll dream vividly. That night, she dreams of newlywed days, of waking up to a head of dark hair in front of her, of taking his niece to the park, of days spent in their kitchen, cooking and goofing off. 

In the morning, it’s not happiness she wakes up to. It’s guilt. And when Nick walks into the bullpen, behind McGee, the guilt twists at her gut a little deeper. 

There’s no doubt that she cared for Qasim. She loved him. But, and she hates that she thinks this, was it going to work if she was still this  _ aware  _ of Nick and their relationship? Or is she only more aware of it, now, having lost Qasim and wondering if she’ll lose Nick, too? 

Is he even hers to lose? 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. I'm so so so so so sorry for the lack of updates: midterms, spring break, and papers cropped up. But this chapter is finally, finally, finished, and I've got more in store.

Since Ellie started at NCIS, Abby’s scheduled catch up dinners. (“There aren’t a ton of women close to our team,” Abby had told her once. “We’ve got to stick together.”) After the Cyber Dream Team’s brief but triumphant run, Delilah had been factored in. 

The dinners are things Ellie looks forward to, usually. This one, however, she’s not sure if she’s up for. These dinners are usually fun, light, a way to get away from whatever’s bothering them. Ellie’s sure she’ll bring the mood down - Nick and Qasim have been occupying her thoughts in equal measure, making for a heavy burden she’s been carrying around. 

But Abby needles her into going anyway, and because it’s  _ Abby _ , Ellie agrees. Dinner is at McGee and Delilah’s, but McGee’s been banished for the time being. For the most part, Ellie enjoys catching up with the other two. She lets herself be cheered up by their presence, and she thinks she’s doing a good job of hiding her emotions.

Until Abby and Delilah share a look, turning to her. Ellie straightens from where she’s been leaning on her elbow, hoping for a smile. “What’s eating at you, babe?” Delilah asks, propping her chin in her hand expectantly. “Ellie, seriously.” 

“I didn’t - I don’t want to bring the mood down,” Ellie protests. 

“You’re not going to,” Abby insists. “This is what we’re her for, isn’t it?” And it’s that comment, coupled with the earnest gazes Abby and Delilah turn on her, that gets Ellie to talk. 

“It’s - I don’t know how to explain it,” she begins. “But it has to do with Nick. And Qasim.” She groans, falling back into the very comfy couch. “I just… I feel so guilty.” 

“About what?”

Ellie steels herself before she replies. “About...caring so much, about Nick. When Qasim just… when I agreed to move in with Qasim just two months ago. And now I can’t get Nick off my mind. Him getting captured in New Orleans pushed some buttons I didn’t know I had.”

“You know, obviously, that we were married,” Ellie backtracks, hoping she’s making some sense. “What you don’t know if why we divorced. It was an amicable split. There wasn’t any cheating, any scandal. I loved him too much to be another person that hurt him.” 

“We were heading separate ways, him for deeper cover, me for Afghanistan and we just didn’t see a way to handle all of that without some heartbreak, or destroying each other. When we split, it hurt, but it was the best thing.” Ellie pauses, taking a sip of her water.

“I didn’t stop caring for Nick then, and I doubt I ever will,” Ellie confesses. “I’m not in love with him, But I do love him - I think it’d be impossible for me not to. He got me to see myself how he saw me, and turned me into a better version of myself at a time when I needed it most.” 

Abby hums in confirmation, and Ellie’s reminded of her history with McGee. “That’s understandable,” Delilah chips in. “So why do you feel guilty?” 

“Because I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel anymore,” Ellie replies, biting her lip. “I miss Qasim, and I don’t want anything to tarnish that relationship we had. At the same time, I’ve… I’ve wondered.” 

“What it would have been like for you and him, if you’d moved in with him, and these… feelings for Nick cropped up?” Delilah asks, wry smile on her lips. “It’s the what if game, my dear.” She softens her words with a smile, but they still make Ellie sit straighter. 

“You’re allowed to think of the what ifs,” Abby adds. “But you’re not allowed to let them rule your life as it is.”  

Ellie nods, murmurs a quiet,”Okay, thanks.” It doesn’t settle everything, but it helps. Ellie turns the topic onto something else, something happier, and for the first night in a few weeks, she lets her worry fade into the background of her thoughts. 

***

Somehow, they all get roped into training for a marathon. And Nick could skip, but something gets him out of bed and to the diner. When he slides into the booth, he sees McGee’s eyebrows shoot up. 

The waitress brings them orange juice, and Quinn finally arrives. Nick downs his orange juice, and makes some comment about his night that has Ellie’s nose wrinkling in disgust. As hungover as he is, he dials his comments back. He chooses to let McGee and Ellie go ahead, and he actually laughs when Quinn ubers her way to the end while he just runs. 

Ellie won’t be surprised. He’s always been a runner - something to get all the energy out of his system. And, since he’s been back in D.C., long runs in the morning let him get a grip on himself before he goes to work. 

Cold, hot, raining, he doesn’t care. There’s something about the pounding of feet on pavement that lets him forget who he was and remember who he is.  

***

If he’d known that today’s case would lead to this, he would have kept running. The moment Gibbs had mentioned a sailor’s dying wish, Ellie’s eyes had snapped to him. He’d waved off her concern, thinking he’d be fine. 

He’s not. The drive over to the hospital was silent. It hadn’t helped when they walked in on Lt. Ellison’s chemo treatment. Nick’s practically crawling out of his skin, but Ellie chooses not to acknowledge it aloud. She brushes by him, just a quick of her fingers to his shoulder, but it’s enough to warn and comfort him at the same time. 

He tries to keep it together for the rest of their visit, but he knows he’s not exactly acting normal. When they leave the hospital, finally, Ellie grabs his arm in the parking lot. “Are you okay?” She asks, gently, not the confrontation he was expecting (and he knows he’s being irrational, because Ellie would never confront him over this, not when she knows his history.) 

“Fine,” he barks out, and they return to HQ. Like the ride before, it’s silent the entire way home. Except this time, Ellie takes one of his hands and squeezes tightly, for just a moment. 

***

Gibbs knows something is up. How he knows, Nick can’t even begin to guess. Nick can, however, protest when Gibbs orders him to guard Lt. Ellison at the hospital. “Why me?” He bristles. “Why me when you know something’s up?” 

Gibbs says nothing, but jerks his head to the door. “But that’s the point, isn’t it?” Nick says, grabbing his stuff and stalking out to the cars. 

Nick keeps his distance as best as he can, but the wall he’s been hiding behind is faulty at best. He’s not a robot, and he’s definitely not an ass all the time. When Lt. Ellison guesses why he’s so against being there, she apologizes for his loss. That’s the first crack. 

The next comes when her father reveals that she didn’t make it onto the experimental program Ducky had been talking about. And then, when he spots her sitting outside, something makes him walk over to her, drop his coat over lap. She cracks a joke about the cold killing her, and that’s it. He’s done. 

He apologize. And then stays the whole afternoon (Long enough for Sofia to come up, for Ellie to update them, for Laura to raise her eyebrows when he calls her “Ell”, and him to explain). 

On his way home, he stops to see Gibbs. The man is waiting for him with a glass of bourbon, and Nick drinks slowly, mulling the day over in his head. 

That night, he dreams, of a blonde head next to his on a lazy morning. Shared coffee in the morning. Dinner at a restaurant, her in a pretty dress and the evening ending with him kissing her on her doorstep. 

His run the next morning is the longest he’s gone on in a long, long time. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The past rears its head, and Nick's not the only one left confused.

Nick is baffled when he gets the invite to Ellie’s painting party. He doesn’t respond, but Ellie talks to him about it the next time they go into work. He teases as good as he gets, even going as far to ask Gibbs about the evite, grinning when he grumbles about it and Ellie throws her hands up. 

He’s in a good mood, going out of the office, but that changes at the crime scene. Dirt bike tracks are something he’ll never  _ not  _ know how to recognize, and when Ellie mentions the bank robbery, he mentions his hunch to Gibbs. 

Down in Abby’s lab, he watches the security cam footage closely. It’s not until the guy drives away on a bike that his spine stiffens. When Gibbs asks about the make and model, Nick doesn’t have to think to answer. “It’s a Suzuki RM125, 2002, with a yellow racing stripe and a custom exhaust,” he rattles off. 

He’d recognize his bike anywhere. 

***

In the bullpen, he explains his assignment, taking the teasing from McGee with a barely there smile. Deep cover with the Rosewood Boys, as Nick Medina. Of course, the case quickly evolves from something kind of run of them mill to deeply personal. 

Nick was with their crew for over a year. He won’t say it aloud, but he made friends, connected to people. And he didn’t question his objective, but he thought about it, more than once: what lives he was ruining and what lives were, in turn, being ruined by the bank thefts they committed. 

It took awhile for him to shake off Nick Medina, and even longer to shake away the residual guilt. It creeps up on him now, and comes to a head when he finds his bike in his garage. 

When it explodes, he feels his blood begin to boil. 

***

Ellie’s the first one he calls (after Gibbs, because he’s not stupid). She’s also the first one he sees when the NCIS truck pulls up to his house. Of course she came with Abby. He’s thankful, because just seeing her uncoils some of the tension in his shoulders. 

Abby and some of her assistants collect everything, after ellie has documented what’s left of his bike. Her eyes linger on a minor cut on his cheek, the only result from standing so close to the explosion. 

The ride back is quiet. At the office, he cleans up, updates himself on the progress of the investigation, and eventually gets another cup of coffee. With her drink in hand, he heads down to see Abby. 

He can’t tear his eyes from the scene, prompting a “Hey6, Nick,” from Abby. “It works out better for everybody if you just go ahead and give me the Caf POW! Before it becomes a problem.” 

“When does it become a problem?”

“As soon as I have to ask,” she chirps. He nods, files away the information for next time. Talk turns to the bike next, and somehow rhinos, but it’s Abby, and Nick’s not surprised. He throws some sarcasm in there somewhere, and then Abby turns on him, suddenly serious. 

“Seriously, Nick, you have to promise me you’re gonna e careful around these dudes.” She looks at him, and he sees her worry. “You’re lucky to be alive.” 

“Abby,” he says, voice as serious as hers was. “Luck has a funny way of evaporating when you need it.” He glances at the picture again, hopes for something reassuring but that’s not what comes out of his mouth. “If it was meant to kill me, it would have. They wanted me alive.” 

. ***

Absolutely nobody is surprised when he and Bishop gravitate towards each other when he goes over his notes. She comments on his notebook, and he shrugs, explaining the time with the wire. “At least I got to show off the goods,” he cracks another joke, laughing when she snorts. 

“Must have been hard,” she says, an attempt to joke back. But it lands closer to home, and they both know it. They’re both thankful for the interruption of the rest of the team. Nick is quick to shoot down any notions of a revenge hit: he’d already be dead if that was true.

They end up trying to find Alonzo, but find something more gruesome, instead. He spots the helmet from the robbery video and points it out to Gibbs. But it’s not the shocker - Alonzo, dead and in bed with another man is. 

And of course he gets a call, from that same distorted voice, telling them to end the investigation. 

***

He was expecting this to happen sooner or later. Gibbs has hit the emergency button, and Nick had mouthed off (couldn’t help himself, this time). But he lets the humor fade, and faces Gibbs. “Okay, let’s talk. Where to start?” 

“The truth.” 

If Nick wasn’t at the receiving end of those pointed words, he would have laughed.  “What if I’m not sure I know it anymore?” Nick says, the words slipping out of his mouth unwittingly. The silence that occurs next is rife with tension, until Gibbs speaks. 

“We find it,” he says, voice and eyes equally serious. “I can’t help you unless you help yourself. Time to tear off the band aid.” It’s that, the little addition, that makes Nick’s resolve break. Damn this team and their ability to understand him - it’s startling, still, after months of working here, to realize that there are people that know him, that he could fall back on if he wanted. 

He wants. “I planted evidence,” he admits. 

Gibbs betrays no emotion, and for that, Nick is thankful. “Any regrets?” 

“Zero.” 

Gibbs looks at him a moment longer, and this time, Nick can feel the way Gibbs studies him.  “No regrets.” 

Nick takes another chance, hopes that he’s not reading the other man wrong. “That Rosewood investigation swallowed me up whole.. And when another two Rosewoods got smoked I swiped the pistol Monroe used to do it and I tossed it in the bushes next to the victims.” 

Gibbs grills him for another moment, asking specifics, his certainty, and Nick replies with all the conviction he can muster. When he finishes and there is another moment of that thick, awful silence, Nick break it. “I was hoping this is the part where you’d say, ‘Hey, Torres, your job is secure.” 

If Gibbs is amused, he doesn’t show it. Instead, he surprises Nick. “When I was a young NIS agent, uh, - I did the same thing. Torres, we got a lot more in common than you think.” 

“But my Band Aids, they always stay on,” Gibbs finishes, then looks him square in the eye. “Abby. Mud. Go.” Nick flicks the emergency stop off, and exits the elevator, Gibbs’ voice trailing after him. “Don’t come back without an answer.” 

***

The answer that he gets from Abby changes the entire afternoon. Of course it was Royce. Royce, who Nick thought he could protect by making him confess. By placing him in protective custody. Of course it was him. 

He goes back to Royce’s house, red clouding his vision. It’s worse when Royce hits him with a clay pot, making stars bloom across his vision. When he hops onto a bike, it’s instinct, habits drilled into him by hours on the track. Even now. 

It’s not a long chase, not to him. Not when once, a long time ago, fuel and gasoline ran through his blood. He gets the lead and kicks Royce, sending him sprawling off his bike. Nick roars to a stop, pulls out his handcuffs and all but throws them at Royce. “You forgot these,” he says, but inside, he’s fuming. His blood is boiling beneath the surface, something that doesn’t stop even after Royce is taken away in the cuffs.

Back at HQ, his anger settles but it’s like a fog envelops him. He stays at his desk, working away until it trickles down to just him and Gibbs. “Torres,” Gibbs calls, and Nick drops the photos he was looking at back onto his desk. “There’s nothing on the file.” 

Nick feels like the world stops spinning. The air is thick, suddenly, and Nick strains to hear over the thud of his heart. “Are you sure?” Nick feels like he’s fumbling for words, everything moving too fast and too slow. 

Gibbs looks him in the eye. “You did the wrong thing for the right reasons,” he says. “Never do that again.” Gibbs sits in his desk chair, back facing Nick, who’s standing, dumbfounded. The words feel like a lifeline, something ot pulls himself out of the hole he thought he was going to sink into fully. “It’s late. Go home.” 

There’s a moment until Nick’s limbs remember how to work again. He ducks his head and smiles before grabbing his things and heading out. But it’s not too late, so he pulls out his phone. “Hey,” he says, surprised by his own actions. “Do you have plans tonight?” 

***

An hour later finds him in front of Ellie’s door. He’s in old sweatpants from his go-bag, one of his old NCIS shirts, with a pizza box balanced on one arm and a bottle of wine tucked under the other. 

Ellie opens the door, paintbrush in hand. She’s in a shirt that’s seen better days, smudged with paint, and a pair of shorts. Her hair is pulled away from her face messily. Nick suddenly feels at home, even more so when she beckons him in. 

“So you’re actually helping me paint?” she says, lips twisting into a smile. “You’re not gonna just sit there and look pretty, right?” 

“Not unless you want me to,” Nick replies, shucking his shoes at the door. “Pizza?” 

He knows Ellie, and knows she can’t resist food. Anyone knows that. Not everyone, however, knows about the old, family run pizza place down the street from his apartment. Ellie opens the box, breathing in the aroma deeply, just like he thought she would. 

She sits in the middle of her living room floor, grabbing two wine glasses. He follows suit, and within minutes, the tension eases out of his shoulders. Ellie seems to pick up on his mood, skirting the topic of today’s case, and instead distracting him. 

“Nick,” she says, more than halfway into the wine. She turns her head to him, and he looks back at her. “You’re a good guy. You know that, right?” 

With a lump in his throat, Nick looks back at her. He can’t nod or shake his head, can’t do or say anything, so he looks back down at his lap. Ellie gets to her feet abruptly, extending a hand back down to him. “Let’s paint,” she says, hauling him to his feet. “It’s getting late.” 

“It is late,” Nick disagrees, checking his watch. It’s after midnight, not a great start to painting if he wants to sleep at all tonight. Has he really been here for three hours? “How about tomorrow, well,  saturday? Day off?” He gets to his feet. 

“Sounds good,” Ellie says, after a beat. She looks like she had something else to say, but she closes her mouth instead, a different smile on her face. Something almost wistful.  “Thank you for dinner,” she adds, as he grabs his things. “See you in the morning.” 

He replies back in kind, and then turns back to face her, hand still on the doorknob of her front door. “Thank  _ you, _ ” he says, and, before he can stop himself, presses a kiss to her cheek. 

When the door closes behind him, she collapses against it. She had the words “it’s a date” on the tip of her tongue, and had bitten them back just in time. She hadn’t meant it as anything beyond them having an agreement, but she’d been afraid. 

Once again, she’s struck by the strangeness of their relationship. How trivial words could change things, how she wants to say this or that but is constantly afraid of shaking things up. 

***

In the morning, she meets his eyes across the bullpen and her heart hammers in double time. He grins, and she’s transported nearly a decade into their past, the first time they’d gone out with friends after becoming a  _ thing.  _ They’d shared something just like this, secretive smiles across a room, the feeling of _us_ and _them_ (not against), two people and then the rest of the world. 

“Shit,” she mutters under her breath. Because what else is there to say? 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A tux fitting, a dead man, and a wedding. (Or, the end of season 14.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one hurt. Enjoy the chapter, and happy friday!

Nick’s not surprised when the entire team is invited to go to the tux fitting (or choosing, because McGee is picky). He was surprised when McGee asked him to be part of the wedding a few weeks ago - one of his original groomsmen had canceled. 

“Sure, I’ll stand in,” Nick had said, but McGee had been quick to correct him. 

“You’re not standing in,” McGee cuts in. “Yes, someone dropped out. But Delilah and I are asking you. And to be honest, if we’d known you a little longer, we probably would have asked you when we first decided on groomsmen.” McGee looks at him, earnest and kind, yet somehow steely. “This team is family, Nick. Ellie is family, and you are family to her. That alone is enough to like you, but I work with you. You, Ellie, Alex, Reeves and I - we’ve got each others backs in the field, every single day. So if you’ll take it, Delilah and I want you to be one of the groomsmen.” 

So he’s getting a tux, and he’s oddly enough, happy about it. He, Reeves, Abby and McGee are the ones trying on different colors and details, while Quinn and Ellie sit nearby, champagne in hand and acting as judges. 

Nick comes back out from the fitting rooms in his favorite choice, a black on black ensemble. “Please, no pictures,” he teases, giving a little spin. “Nah, go for it.” 

Quinn looks at him with equal measures of appreciation and distaste, almost rolling her eyes at his antics. Ellie, on the other hand, raises her eyebrows. “Woof,” she says, and when everyone turns to her, pink creeps up her neck. “Was that out loud?” 

Nick winks at her, and turns to McGee. “Lose the cummerbund,” he says, but is interrupted by Reeves. Nick will admit that the white suits him, but he can’t resist teasing him. It’s what they do. He takes the Johnny Cash comment in stride, noting that Ellie didn’t say anything beyond “wowza” to Reeves. 

Of course everybody is distracted by Abby. It’s Abby. She’s a showstopper, but in the best way. Nick makes his final choice, and then convinces McGee to go with something else, that feels a little more like McGee, and not McGee in high school. 

***

Their case is a mess, a dead sailor in his bunk. There’s something strange about the case from the get go, and it turns into… not a witch hunt, but something close. Nick finds some pills where they shouldn’t be, as he and Quinn look for some clues of foul play. 

The team is everywhere, and even when Nick is back on dry land, they’re not all together. It’s not unusual, but it’s been a while since they’ve been this spread apart. They interrogate the kid with the pills in the morning, getting the same “they’re not mine” excuse” as they always do, when Gibbs gets a call. “Yeah, McGee,” he says. He sounds more worried in the next second. “What? Slow down, McGee.” 

When he starts to run, Nick runs with him, until Gibbs fills him and tells him to stay on the case. “When we need you, we’ll call you,” Gibbs says, and it’s a promise. 

***

The case wraps up definitively. It’s a prank gone wrong, and Nick is a little annoyed at the cost of the prank. A kid’s life was lost, and that’s not something Nick is every going to be okay with. They finally heard back from McGee and Delilah. While she’s okay, they haven’t said much beyond that. 

Nick has, however, gotten an invite to some private thing at McGee’s apartment. The whole team gets one, and Abby can’t keep the news - good news, as it turns out - to herself. 

But news of a McGee baby on the way isn’t the only surprise they get that night. “We’re getting married,”McGee says. 

“Right here in Tony’s creepy old apartment,” Delilah confirms. 

While she and McGee get dressed, Nick helps set up the place. He, Reeves, and Quinn unfold chairs while Abby and Ellie go help Delilah with her dress. When everything is set up, McGee at the front, and Delilah starts down the aisle, it feels strangely fitting. It’s them. Even the song, “She Blinded Me with Science” is so them that Nick thinks there couldn’t be a more perfect song. 

Ellie slips into the seat next to Nick when the vows start. Their fingers brush, but neither of them pulls back. She cries, just a few tears, because she always cries at weddings. He hands he his handkerchief silently, teasing grin on his face. I f anyone sees the moment they have, where they linger a little too long, no one mentions it at dinner. It’s too many people crammed around an already large table, but it’s family, enjoying each other’s company and celebrating the newlyweds. 

They stay late into the night, lingering in the bubble of joy that is McGee’s apartment. Nick and Ellie walk out together, and he offers to drive her home. To his surprise, she accepts, hopping inside his Jeep. She’s quiet for the first few minutes, but grinning. 

“Do you ever…” She trails off, head tilted to one side. “Do you ever think about our wedding?” She looks over at him, and he’s struck, suddenly, by memories he’s been trying to clamp down on all night. He can picture Ellie in her wedding dress, the background of an August afternoon in one of D.C.’s gardens behind her. 

“Sometimes.” He glances over at her. “When I need something good, it’s… one of the things I think of.” 

“What are others?” 

Nick’s mouth twists, but it’s Ellie. She doesn’t back down with him, and he’s not usually hesitant to answer. This is different. There are people that bring up the past to relive the good, and then there are people like him. People that select different memories to ground themselves, to remember who they are. Memories of their wedding have gotten him through more tough times than he’d care to admit, which is maybe, why wants to volunteer that information to someone like Ellie. Someone who knows him. 

Luckily, he’s right at her apartment building, so he parks. “You know, more than a lot of people, what it was like for me undercover.” She nods, and he continues. “Then you know, that I’ve had to erase myself many, many times. So thoroughly that coming up back to Nick Torres is painful.” 

“When I need to think of things to get me back to myself… our wedding was one of the things I used for the longest time,” he admits. “Painting your apartment has been added to the list.” They were a mess, covered in paint, but they were cheerful, almost carefree. He wishes he could see her like that more. 

“You still mean the world to me, Ellie Bishop,” he confesses. “I’m glad you waved your gun at me in an alley almost a year ago.” She snorts like he wanted her to. 

“You’re important to me, too, Nick,” she says softly. “And me, too. I’d pay to see that look on your face again.” With a laugh, she opens the car door. “See you on Monday, Nick.” 

***

Monday, and what comes after, turns out to be the worst week of their lives. 

It starts off okay. They’re investigating a Navy SEAL that might not be dead, but orders come in to actually go out to Paraguay. Nick argues against Ellie going almost immediately. It’s not a safety thing, but more of a communication thing. “Porque yo hablo español,” he says. 

Ellie looks at him, unimpressed. “Yo hablo español tambien,” she replies back, and he holds up his hands in surrender. 

“Sorry, didn’t know,” he says. Because she definitely, definitely did not speak Spanish while they were married. Pashto? Yes. Arabic? Yes. French? Definitely. But Spanish? That’s new. “But I spent half of my life out there. And I blend in.” 

Ellie concedes, but she shoots him a smile because she definitely surprised him. He tips an invisible hat to her, and she takes it, before they keep going with the case. Gibbs, McGee and Nick head off in the morning, while she and Quinn stay behind. There’s something unpleasant twisting in her stomach though, and she hopes with everything she has that her gut is wrong. 

***

It’s not. 

Their camp is ambushed, and even though the helo gets there on time, and even thought the kids are safe, the missing SEAL is back, Gibbs and McGee are gone. She doesn’t know how Nick is, besides a brief update that he’s coming home. 

When Jimmy suggests she go home for the night, Ellie stands her ground and firmly says no. She stays when Ducky and Jimmy go home, when Abby leaves to stay with Delilah, when Reeves is ordered home by Vance and Quinn has a family emergency to take care of. It’s a small mercy that she doesn’t have to fight Vance to stay. 

“Director, shouldn’t you get home?” She suggests, thinking of his kids. 

“I’m not going home until we get your boy back,” he says. “We can’t have all of them back right now, and I can’t do a damn thing about that. But I can stay and make sure that the agent we have coming back to us is in one piece.” 

So they stay. Vance retreats to his office, and she sits at her desk. She paces across the bullpen, sitting on top of McGee’s desk and wondering. She thinks about calling Tony, but she doesn’t know what to say. She busies herself with the most random tasks until the elevator dings open and Nick steps out. 

She’s back on her feet and across the room without knowing how she got there, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that they clash in a tangle of limbs, that he’s here and okay and  _ alive _ . His arms wrap around her, clinging like he can’t let go, head in the curve of her shoulder. It takes her back to nearly a decade ago, the first time he came back from a week long undercover assignment. She clings back just as tight. “I couldn’t get to them,” he says, voice breaking, like it’s taking every effort to speak. “Ell, I couldn’t go back for them.” 

He starts to shake,, and she pulls back, looking at him straight in the eye. “We’ll get them back,” she says, so fiercely even she’s surprised at the strength of it. “We’ll get them.” She promises it again, softer, looking at him until she’s sure he believes her. A cough interrupts them and she looks up to see Vance waiting for them. He tips his head up to his office and she nods. “C’mon.”

She doesn’t take his hand but it’s a near thing. Instead, her fingers hook around his wrist, tugging him to move. He follows her automatically, and it’s only when they get into Vance’s office that she lets go. It’s late, so late, when Nick starts talking, even later when he stops recounting the mission. She hears every shake of his voice, every time he swallows a lump in his throat. And she stays, right there beside him. 

Vance commends him for getting the job done, then tells them to go home. “But - “ At Vance’s glare, Nick shuts up, jaw clenched. His fingers twitch like he wants to hit something, but his back goes ramrod straight. 

“Torres, you’re minutes from passing out,” he points out. “Go home, get sleep, I’ll see you both here when you’re at your best so we can find Gibbs and McGee.”

Ellie nods and heads out, Nick trailing after her. “You’re not driving,” she says, slinging her jacket over her arm as they pass through the bullpen. “You’re not going home, either.” She waits, hoping for a joke, something on Nick’s end other than the stare he’s affected since leaving Vance’s office. He’s silent all the way to the car, even when she stops and get them pizza.

It unnerves her, like it always has. A silent Nick Torres is something she’s only encountered a handful of times, and it always, always rankles her. “Torres, come on, let’s go.” She nudges him, but still nothing. “Nick.” 

She places a hand on his cheek. “Nick, please, let’s get up to my apt.” He startles at her touch but it moves him. They make it up to her apartment and he lingers in her kitchen. He looks so  _ lost _ , go bag still on his shoulder, gaze fixed on the tile in front of him. 

“Nick, go shower,” she says, tugging on the strap of his bag. He nods and disappears into the guest bathroom, robotically. She sighs, taking a minute to text Clay and Abby, who’ve been blowing up her phone all night. 

_ Got him.  _ She hesitates, then adds a little more.  _ We’ll see you in the morning. _

_ *** _

She’s awake much earlier than she planned. It’s only been an hour or so since she crawled into her own bed, that much she knows. She groans, but movement by her door catches her attention. “Sorry,” Nick rasps from the doorway. “I just - I had to -” 

Ellie flicks her lamp on, taking in his shadowed eyes and shallow breaths. “It’s fine,” she says. “Do you want tea?”

Nick shakes his head. “No, I’ll be good,” he scratches the back of his neck. “Sorry for waking you.” Ellie nods, letting him retreat. She collapses back onto her mattress, but sleep is hard to come by, again. She keeps startling herself awake with events that aren’t real. 

When she wakes up for a final time, it’s rough. There’s already sunlight streaming through her window, and it’s just after eight. She forces herself up, takes a quick shower and heads into her kitchen. The smell of coffee is surprising, but only for a moment. 

Nick’s in her kitchen, a sight that makes her feel...something. It’s this strange mix of new old, of nostalgia for the early days of their marriage and of appreciation for the friend she has now. His attempt at a smile is sheepish. “Thank you for last night,” he says. “Reeves texted, he’s chasing down leads and Abby’s standing by to see if she can pull anything from my clothes.” 

“Let’s get going then,” Ellie answers. 

“Vance wants us to meet with him first thing - Delilah’s in the office,” he says, voice tight. 

“Okay.” Ellie gets her travel mug and a spare, letting Nick fill them up while she changes into something appropriate for what she feels is going to be a long day. 

“Ready?” Nick asks, soundy anything but. There’s grim determination set into his face, a steely rage visible in his eyes. She takes the coffee from him, nodding decisively. 

“Let’s go get our team back.” 


	11. Chapter 11

Nick tenses the minute they set foot inside the building. Ellie takes one look at Nick’s paling face and pulls a Gibbs. The lights flicker and the elevator halts. Nick rests a forehead on the closed doors, and Ellie waits. 

“How do I tell Delilah?” He asks, turning to her. “How do I look her in the eye and say, ‘I left your husband, the father of your children, behind in Paraguay? 

He raises his fist as if to hit the wall, but she catches his wrist and he stops abruptly. He lets his hand fall to his side. She steps back, waiting. He’s not done yet. “And Tim - he, he looked at Gibbs, he looked at me, and said ‘Nick, you got ‘em.’”

“Then you tell her that,” Ellie says, finally.”Tell her what Tim said, what he did, but don’t describe him. Don’t say he’s a hero, or anything. She knows him.” 

Nick nods jerkily, and she turns the elevator back on. They drop things off at their desks and go straight to Vance’s office. He’s waiting expectantly, Delilah, too. What occurs is the longest debrief of Nick’s life. He’s antsy through it all, but he keeps it contained. He has just finished talking when Vance is called away. He apologizes and disappears out the door, leaving behind a heavy silence. “Delilah,” Nick says, softly. “I’m sorry.” 

She looks at him, something Nick can’t read in her eyes. “You don’t have anything to apologize for,” she replies, voice just barely shaking. “You didn’t make him do that. It’s just Tim, being Tim.” She shakes her head, a shadow of a smile on her face. “He did it for Gibbs. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for that man. For any of you.”

Ellie reaches out to take Delilah’s hand. “And there’s nothing we wouldn’t do for him either. The minute Vance approves this investigation, we won’t leave a single part of this world untouched to get them back.” 

***

They try. They chase down every lead, every tiny bit of information and it’s still not enough. On top of it all, they’re still given cases, and Ellie’s suddenly team lead in Gibbs’ absence. It was startling to realize she was the senior field agent - especially considering Nick has been at NCIS longer than she has. 

Each day is a new kind of exhausting, until Vance calls them all to his office. Reluctantly, he announces that the investigation has been put on hold. Instead of Nick getting angry, it’s Ellie. “What do you mean it’s been put on hold?” She says, getting to her feet angrily. “It’s Gibbs! And McGee!”

Before she can say much else, Vance stops her. “The DOD has taken over the investigation, and we’re not to interfere or assist.” There’s dead silence in the room, as Vance, too, gets to his feet. He raises an eyebrow, looking meaningfully at all of them. “Do I make myself clear?” 

“Yes, sir,” Ellie replies, when Vance repeats himself. “No interference with their investigation.” 

“That’s not the only news,” Vance says. “There’s going to be a Congressional panel. To discuss NCIS’s actions in Paraguay.” 

Next to her, Nick practically hisses out a breath. He has no patience for the committees, especially not if he’s the subject of one. Vance dismisses them, and orders them to get back to their current case. Clay and Nick follow her lead, and then at the end of the day, get to work. 

They set up an investigation hub in Ellie’s apartment, careful to keep their presence offline. If they’re going to have to do this the hard way, so be it. 

***

Two months after Gibbs and McGee were taken, and the case Ellie’s working on with Clay and Nick leads straight to them. In the strangest turn of events, they’re able to work on getting them  _ home.  _ When they get confirmation that McGee and Gibbs made it to their helicopter, she reaches out for Nick, who squeezes her hand once, before letting go. 

After so long, she takes the victory with bated breath. She feels like she’s walking on eggshells, and it’s only when they have word that the plane bringing Gibbs and McGee home is an hour out that she feels like she can breathe again. 

She sends Nick and Abby over to McGee and Delilah’s. Reeves stays until McGee arrives, and then drives him straight over. Ellie stays, wrapping up as much paperwork as she can, unexpectedly running into Gibbs. 

“I thought you were with McGee,” she says, lump rising in her throat unexpectedly. It’s so good to see him. 

“I was,” he answers, turning to her. Even with a scruffy beard, Gibbs, here, at HQ, feels right, like something has clicked back into place. She launches up onto her toes to hug him, welcoming home. 

“I’m proud of you, Bishop,” he says, voice voice of the usual gruffness. It’s not soft, but warm, just like his eyes are in this moment. “Kept the team together,” he adds, one hand reaching out. His hand cups her face, exactly as her dad would do, and not for the the first time, Ellie is profoundly grateful for finding this dysfunctional, amazing group of people. Her people. “I’m proud of you.” 

Her eyes water, and she has to look away for a moment. “I just did what I thought you would do,” she says, earning a smile from Gibbs. They lapse into silence, before she asks if he wants to come to McGee’s apartment. At his soft refusal, she smiles, softly. “Call me if you need anything.”

She leaves him be, unable to resist another glance at him as she heads for the elevator. 

***

When she gets to McGee’s, it’s quiet. There’s idle chatter, but not much. McGee and Delilah are on the couch, but McGee stands when she enters. He hugs her like she thinks all big brothers do, arms wrapping around her and squeezing tight. “Thank you,” he whispers in her ear. 

She pulls back and soaks in the sight of (most of) their family, together. The stress of the last two months, the hell McGee and Gibbs went through, all of it seems to fade away in the light of this moment. 

They leave shortly after, heading off in different directions but without urgency. Nick and Ellie linger by their cars. It’s not terribly late, and without thinking she offers that they go back to her place. “I don’t - I don’t really want to be alone, right now,” she says. 

“Me either.” 

Nick drives behind her, and then follows her inside. He pulls down glasses for water, and then asks if she’s hungry. Right on cue, her stomach growls. They both laugh, but Nick surprises her when he pulls out stuff from her fridge. “Let me make you something.” He doesn’t phrase it like a question, but he still waits for her nod before he continues. 

“Nick, you don’t have to -” 

He cuts her off. “I want to.” His gaze gets softer, somehow. “You’ve been doing so much since McGee and Gibbs have been gone. Just let me take care of you, for once.” 

She nods, unable to answer. She takes a seat at her counter, watching as he moves with incredible ease in her kitchen. It should be surprising, but it isn't.  Not when he’s been here more often than not, reaching out to old contacts, making her eat, making sure she’s sleeping. 

She’s filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for Nick, ex-husband turned into best friend. There’s no one she trusts more to back her good decisions, to call her out when she’s being irrational, to have her back in the field. 

“Thank you,” she tells him, when he hands her a plate full of food. He tips his head, taking up the space right next to her on the couch, and that’s that. 

***

One week later finds them all together at a crime scene. It’s both extremely jarring and incredibly familiar, and something a lot like relief spreads through Ellie the moment she sees them. They stand  together for a moment, all surprised when Gibbs cracks a joke (or several) at Nick’s expense. 

“We are all glad to see you found your jacket,” Gibbs says, grinning. Nick takes the joke, pleased that they’ve noticed. 

“Fits better than I thought it would,” Nick grins back. As they head towards their main crime scene, he hangs back a little, taking in the team. Ducky, Palmer. Gibbs, McGee, Ellie. Abby, waiting for them back at HQ. He grins to himself. “ _ Definitely  _ fits better than I thought it would,” he murmurs to himself, grin growing as he races to catch up. 


End file.
